Here I am again on 4th June writing about my ‘Celebration of Life’ day. If you’d like to read the 2017 version, you can do so here. In short: Celebration of Life = Suicide Survivor
Awareness or a change in awareness is a funny thing. I have actively celebrated this day for about 10 years and today felt different to all the other years. Something had changed. I realised how this day has become more and more superficial and how much I have completely detached from the event itself. I’m the first one to suggest that it isn’t helpful to dwell on the past forever and to move forward instead. I have certainly moved forward immensely in the past 18 years and I continue to do so. There is, however, a big difference between moving forward and healing. We can move forward and build a great life without healing. Healing adds a different dimension to how we are moving forward: with more clarity and honesty… With honesty I mean being able to say: Yes, I still have s*** to deal issues to address. Without the healing the subconscious continues to rule our lives. But often we don’t have a clue that we haven’t healed, that’s the weirdest thing! Until one day we find out… Like I did in the past 24 hours. That’s quite a revelation actually; to go about my life for 18 years just to realise I haven’t even begun to heal from the trauma of having survived two suicide attempts. Interesting…
All I had felt in recent months was that there was something locked away so deeply that not even I had the key to get in. I have completely closed off that young woman in despair who was caught up in so much pain and suffering. I have omitted all the deeply disturbing scenes that no one else ever saw because in my darkest hours in was just me by myself. All I would continue to celebrate was: “See how far I’ve come, see where I am now”… Today is a stark reminder that I have unknowingly neglected one of the most wounded parts of me. Luckily, now that I am aware of this fact, I can start to be with that part and offer it healing. These parts don’t ever reveal themselves before we are ready to deal with them. We may not feel ready but we are. I first needed to acquire all the tools/support that will allow me to handle this situation. It comes in the form of BodyTalk, Reiki, Yoga, Pilates, long walks in nature and swimming, amazing friends and family, resilience and an unshakeable belief that everything always happens for a reason.
I know that for me the most traumatic parts of my experience will not be resolved through talking therapy but through energy medicine, in particular BodyTalk. Certain things shouldn’t have to be relived, only relieved, balanced and disassociated from the bodymind. And if this all sounds really strange to you then I’d be more than happy to explain this further. I’ve seen it countless times, how trauma could be dealt with in a much faster and more gentle way than having to go over it again and again.
What the last 24 hours have given me is a new type of access to myself. I still struggle with self-love and self-compassion. This reminder of what I had to go through in my life, with moments as dark as 4th and 29th June 2001, has given me a feeling of re-connecting with myself; being able to have compassion for the part that was suffering so much. And taking this feeling of compassion into the present moment and beyond. Feeling compassion for the work in progress, for my imperfections, for my less favourable traits… giving myself a break from always feeling I haven’t done and achieved enough yet. And then there’s self-love… well, we’ll work on that one… 🙂 I get moments of it until left brain hijacks the moment and starts to go on about the list of things I haven’t mastered yet. All I can say is that today, with all the unexpected pain of old memories and time spent reflecting has been a way of telling myself: I see you, I value you, I love you
Today was also a reminder that if it wasn’t for my story, I would have never started a company called ‘You Happy First’. My key mission, the importance of holistic self-care, was born out of my realisation that it was ultimately me neglecting myself physically, mentally/emotionally and spiritually that led to my darkest hours.
I will end this post with gratitude, my No. 1 daily spiritual practice. Thank you first and foremost to my mum. She is the most amazing blessing and there will never be enough words to express my love or gratitude for this remarkable, talented lady. Thank you to my rock solid tribe of friends who fill me with so much joy. Thank you to the gift of music. First love always (after my mum). Thank you to all my clients. Helping you on your journey in which ever capacity makes me so happy, every single day. And last but not least, thank you to grace, to God, the Universe, call it whatever you like, for this amazing gift called life. Not one day is taken for granted.
I recorded a podcast for You Happy First Unite today to talk about the same topic . You can listen to it here.
Photo Credit: Selfie 🙂 – This picture is currently the truest, most authentic reflection of me… until it’s not… 🙂 And then it’ll be time for another blog!